Published July 28, 2007
First poem I write for something that's not school, hehe... Not very good, in my opinion... so I know it need lots of critiques!! Please tell me what you think.
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A delicate kiss made with caressing lips,
The first, and then the only one.
A special, everlasting moment,
And then, why did it die?
A cut too deep, a wound not healing;
An unrepairable illness for a heart
that can no longer embose suffering.
The same heart that you chose, loved, and then departed,
leaving it alone in the vastness of its solitude.
You passed away, taking my heart along,
But love, you forgot the rest of myself!
You left me trapped in this life that's no longer desirable.
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Right now, this is very very abstract. Why not write a poem that brings scenes from the real world into the abstract world? For instance, the only thing "real" in this is the carressing lips. Bring more details from real life, and this will help you improve imagery and other details while drawing the reader more into your poem.
thanks colleen!!
and ed, or whence.. i did crit two pieces before posting mine...
I agree with Rieda and Clau, too. There are just a few things I want to add...
How many times have we all seen kisses described as "delicate" or lips as "caressing"? I know you know some better words. They don't have to be synonyms, I'm not saying you should use "soft" instead of delicate...try to come up with a different way to describe it.Diction. Word choice will make or break your work. Here, I think you've used a few too many overused words and hackneyed phrases. Sometimes people use such words because they're so used to seeing them being used to describe this kind of stuff. It's not a good idea; it won't make your poem stand out to a reader. If you really want to get a reader to get involved in your piece, one thing to do is to describe things in a way he/she wouldn't expect.
For example:
Capitalization. You've capitalized the beginning of each line, except in a few places. There seems to be no pattern to this, so make up your mind!
Keep working on it!
-Colleen
I think Ried and Claw covered this well, I just thought I'd mention that technically you're supposed to crit 2 pieces before posting one of your own.
Naggingly Yours,
~Ed
Thanks for your comments!! They did help a lot!
Hmm....I think it shows promise. You're trying for something beautiful, I can read it in how you try to word things.
But, Rieda hit the nail on the head when she mentioned you telling. This is a whole lot of telling. And despite all the telling I'm not even completely sure what I'm being told about, if that can make any sense.
Not to say I didn't understand it, I guess it was just... odd? I can't explain things XD You should keep in mind that poetry should be experienced. So, because of that, add imagery, and sensory words for touch, taste, sent, hearing, sight, etc. and also, make the reader feel something. Poetry should make the reader feel or think.
As a side note, if you think you need more work on poetry, read more poetry! That is the best way to improve.
A delicate kiss made with caressing lips,
The first, and then the only one.
A special, everlasting moment,
And then, why did it die?
**This is a lot of telling and I with that I can't take a lot of imagery or feeling with it. I feel that there should be more. If it was the first and the only one, then the description should be in there somewhere. "The" should be lower case and so should "And".
A cut too deep, a wound not healing;
An unrepairable illness for a heart
that can no longer embose suffering.
The same heart that you chose, loved, and then departed,
leaving it alone in the vastness of its solitude.
** "Unrepairable" is too long a word for this and makes the line seem forced. "The same heart that you chose, loved, and then departed," This was my favorite line.
You passed away, taking my heart along,
But love, you forgot the rest of myself!
You left me trapped in this life that's no longer desirable.
**This seems too short, and the one above it seems so long. You could possibly pass on the line from the top to the bottom? "You forgot the rest of myself!" seems a bit cliche. Here would be great place for a metaphor so that the telling isn't so strong.
PM me is you have any questions!
~Rieda